The Idealization of Love
When we fall in love, we humans tend to see the other person as a divine being and ourselves as something worthless, like a piece of trash. But why? Why does the feeling of love make us so helpless, and why do we keep living just to fall in love despite all this fragility? This question has been turning in my mind for some time.
Why is the beloved person idealized?
I think the answer should first be sought in neurophysiology. In neurophysiology, the whole process of love takes place within the brain’s reward system. Dopamine, noradrenaline, and oxytocin are released, and we begin to feel that the person before us is unique. Serotonin secretion decreases, and we start behaving more obsessively. Our adrenaline and central nervous system are activated, so the brain combines excitement, obsession, and pleasure to idealize that person. During this period, the prefrontal cortex is suppressed, which means we cannot think rationally and perceive the other as far more exalted than they are. Every interaction with that person brings us immense happiness—until those enchanted days end. One day the hormonal storm subsides, and we find ourselves in the midst of distress, helplessness, and depression.
Freud links the human tendency to idealize the beloved with narcissism. According to him, every human being possesses a form of primary narcissism: as children, we are at the center of love, and all our needs are unconditionally fulfilled. But as we grow up, that sense of wholeness breaks down; the outside world imposes limits, and a sense of lack begins. This is where love steps in.
The person we fall in love with becomes a mirror reflecting that lost sense of completeness from childhood. The one we idealize is, in fact, a reflection of the self we have lost. Freud summarizes it as follows:
“Love is the transfer of one’s own narcissism onto the object.”
Thus, it is not “I love them because they are wonderful,” but “I love them because through them I feel wonderful.”
In this context, Freud defines two types of love:
**Narcissistic love:** The person loves themselves (or their ideal self).
**Object love:** The person directs love toward an external object (another person).
But these two kinds of love often blend together. We idealize someone either because we find a part of ourselves in them (for example, shared ideals), or because we see in them the person we wish to become (for instance, strong, confident, compassionate).
The person we love often becomes the “ideal of our self.” This ties to Freud’s concept of the *ego ideal.* According to him, within each of us exists an ego ideal—our “ideal self,” the person we wish to be. When we fall in love, we turn the other into the symbol of that ideal. The beloved becomes the embodiment of all we aspire to be. That is why we see them as flawless—because they are, in truth, an idealized part of ourselves. Hence, admiration for the beloved is an indirect form of self-admiration.
Finally, Freud argues that idealization functions as a defense mechanism. A person can suppress their inner conflicts or feelings of inadequacy by saying: “I can’t be worthless if someone so magnificent loves me.”
Lacan, on the other hand, connects the problem of idealization entirely to the object of desire (*objet petit a*). But what is this “object of desire”?
According to Lacan, a human being is not merely a biological organism; they exist within language and the unconscious. Therefore, “need,” “demand,” and “desire” are not the same:
**Need (besoin):** bodily requirements
**Demand (demande):** expressed needs
**Desire (désir):** something beyond need, born from a symbolic lack
Desire is never fully satisfied, because it is “a movement that revolves around absence.”
For Lacan, idealization is not directed at the real person but at the “symbol of lack.” The beloved represents the image of something we believe will fill our inner void. This is what Lacan calls the *objet petit a*: something we can never fully possess, but whose unattainability keeps our desire alive.
“Love is giving what you do not have to someone who does not exist.”
To sum up, from Lacan’s perspective, desire is born from a lack that can never be fulfilled. The beloved is the mask of that lack; what we truly seek is not the other person, but our lost sense of wholeness. Thus, love carries a “false promise of completion.” The idealized person brings us closer to the center of our desire—but never lets us reach it.
What should we do?
We must recognize the mechanism of idealization and root it out. Great loves never end happily; that is why lovers glorify those they love. Yet we must not forget that all of this is a trick of the mind, and that all human beings are, in truth, fragile, weak, and pitiful creatures. Seneca, in his *Epistulae Morales*, advised people who walked to ease their grief: *“animum debes mutare non caelum”*—“you must change your mind, not the sky.” I believe this quote is deeply connected to our subject.
I am convinced that as long as we continue to idealize the ones we love, we will never truly love—and we will spend our lives in the hell called love.
The story of the cover arthttps://x.com/celilsadk/status/1975556205817807120
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